What is it about girls and their friendships? Feelings get caught up in the mix. Girls who yearn for good social connections find themselves wrapped up in painful drama. Driven by their raw hurt feelings, girls often make retorts that worsen problems and intensify conflict. Parents try to help but don’t always have the most useful suggestions. “Just ignore her” or “just stay away from her” doesn’t cut the cake. How do we teach girls healthy communication skills? How can we help them express feelings assertively as well as develop compassion for others?
The best answers I have ever found reside in Annie Fox’s brand new book, The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship. Annie Fox, M.Ed., is an internationally respected parenting expert, family coach and trusted online adviser for teens. But in this book she aims younger — to girls in third through sixth grades, ages 8-12. Annie Fox hopes to arm young girls with constructive, healthy friendship tools before the perilous middle school years. The delightful illustrations are by the talented Erica De Chavez. I love Annie’s vision of parents and girls cuddling up together with this book in their lap.
In my early childhood private practice, I see many girls in 3rd grade in addition to those who return at an older stage of development. For a long time, I’ve been yearning for such a book as this. And here it is! For my first guest blog, Annie Fox agreed to answer some questions of mine to introduce this book to my readers … for help today, or for tomorrow!
Dr. Beth’s Interview with Annie Fox
Q: Dr. Beth – Why do you think girls become “mean?“
A: Annie – If there can be a short answer to that HUGE question, it may be that “meanness” is a cover for hurt, jealousy, frustration, feelings of rejection, etc. And of course, girls aren’t the only ones who experience those emotions! Without getting too philosophical, I believe we live in a culture of cruelty where it is more acceptable to express aggression than it is to express vulnerable emotions. Maybe that’s why many girls and boys, men and women find it “easier” to respond to hurt, etc. with meanness. It’s ironic, when you really think about it, because when we feel vulnerable (and insecure in a relationship or in our social standing within a group) what we really want and need is reassurance. We want to bring people closer to us. Being mean isn’t likely to get us what we really want, and yet, that’s the behavior many choose.
Q: Dr. Beth – What led you to create the Q&A Guide in this format?
A: Annie – I’ve been answering email from tweens and teens since 1997. They send me questions about everything you can imagine (and lots of things you probably can’t imagine! LOL). And I often ask them questions too. So the question and answer format has become a very natural way for me to teach kids about empathy, compassion, social courage, and the difference between real friends and the other kind. Like any good teacher, my goal is to get kids to think for themselves … hopefully to help them learn how to calm down and ask themselves some questions before they respond to sticky situations. Questions like: “What am a going after in this situation?” and “Can I really change someone else’s behavior?” “And if I can’t get someone to change, how can I change my own response to what’s going on?”
Q: Dr Beth – What are the main messages you hope to promote in the Q&A Girls Friendship Guide?
A: Annie – My main messages are:
1. You have the right to choose your friends, but you never have the right to be rude or disrespectful to anyone.
2. When we’re upset we don’t think clearly and we’re more likely to do or say things we will later regret. Calming down is the best first step to resolve any friendship challenge.
3. Sometimes we need to “take a vacation” from the drama! When you take that break you give yourself time to regroup and figure out what you really want and need in a friendship. You may discover that what you want and need can be found with a new friend.
Q: Dr. Beth – Parents often don’t see girl troubles coming until it hits their daughter. Why might this be?
A: Annie – Some girls (and boys) assume that when they get to a certain age they should not be sharing their emotional upsets with their parents. They figure “I’m old enough to take care of this myself.” And sometimes they can! But other times, kids start to feel overwhelmed by what’s going on in a friendship or some other peer relationship. The emotions are so intense they may not know how to talk about them to parents or anyone! (That’s when they write to me.)
In some cases, a girl is having trouble with a long-time friend (and her parents are long-time friends with the other girl’s parents). In those scenarios, the girls find it really hard to accept that there is a problem. (“How can there be a problem when we’ve been bff’s since pre-school!?”) And when they do talk to parents, the advice they get isn’t so helpful. (“Oh, she was probably just having a bad day. Forget about it.”) Parents need to know just how important their daughter’s friendships can be. By paying attention to the signs that a girl is feeling upset, a parent can help a girl express her feelings and brainstorm some options for her next best move. I’m hoping that parents/grandparents, teachers and counselors will read the book and use it to help girls.
Q: Dr. Beth – Your book is for 3rd to 6th graders. But what are your thoughts on 1st & 2nd grade girls? What early messages should they receive to build a foundation for healthy friendships as they grow?”
A: Annie: I know that girls’ friendship challenges can begin as early as preschool. My book could be used very effectively with K-2nd graders as girls that age are likely to recognize the situations in the book’s Q&A. This book is designed to give girls (and the adults who care about them) tools for managing emotions, communicating more effectively, and recognizing that when it comes to friends, it’s important to have some clear standards about what makes a real friend. And it’s very important that girls of all ages recognize that a friendship is a 2-way street. Yes, we want a friend to be kind, fun to be with, generous, a good listener, etc. And we also need to be aware of the kind of friend we are to others as well!
You can visit Annie at AnnieFox.com. Look for The Girls’ Q&A Book on Friendship at Amazon.com, where you will also find my review. I know this book will be of help to many girls in my care – for now, and in the years to come.
Does it happen to you every few years?
The Olympics return …
A deep wish, a poignant pull, an unfulfilled dream. Whether you actually wanted to be an Olympian or not doesn’t matter. Simply watching the athletes can stir memories of ANY dreams you did not pursue.
Activities quit, efforts abandoned, wishes that never made it to a To Do list …
So then …with your kids nestled under your arm, what do you do? Keep your thoughts to yourself, or share them?
From childhood through your teens into adulthood, countless dreams have drifted across your mind and spirit. Adventures you’ve considered and tabled, visions you’ve pursued and prospered by. You have signed up and succeeded, envisioned and ventured, bailed before you failed, or left a dream lie dormant.
Your children could benefit from hearing about your dreams, the whats and whys, and what you think about them today.
Did you want to be a skier, a dancer, a skater, a ballplayer? A speaker, an inventor, an author, a cook? Did you sign up, or not sign up? Did you try and fail? Did you stay discouraged or try again? Were you glad you persisted, or more glad you kept searching elsewhere for your genuine talent? Did someone believe in you when you didn’t? Do you have regrets? How do you feel about your past coping with a challenge — the risky challenge of pursuing something you dearly want, despite the struggle and strain?
Share your “Olympic” thoughts with your children to connect with them and build their resilience to cope. Sharing your coping tales can provide a realistic model of the many shades of color between success & failure. Resilience … this is how it happens.
Learn more about the #OlympicMoms #OlympicDads campaign by clicking HERE